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"TITLE: Family and Sibling Issues, Tips from a Sibling"
Wednesday, December 4th at 7 p.m. (Eastern), Note portions of the text have been edited for
spelling and grammatical errors, while other text with errors was left in tact
in the context of the
chat.
Sunny
{public msg} Starting in about 25 minutes in the talkAutism Room. Please
join us for Family and Sibling Issues. Tips from a Sibling - Lisa Haberman,
MSW Lisa Haberman {enters} Rebecca {public msg} hello Lisa! Welcome
back Sunny {public msg} Hi Lisa Rebecca {action} Smiles. Lisa
Haberman {public msg} Thanks Lesliear {public msg} Hi Lisa Lisa Haberman
{public msg} Hi Rebecca {public msg} Nice to have you with us again
Lisa Sunny {public msg} Hello and Welcome to our talk Autism Specialty
Chat. If you have a question for our Host Guest Speaker, Family and
Sibling Issues, Tips from a Sibling - Lisa Haberman, MSW, just type a ? in the
room. The names will be taken in order received. Please hold your
questions until you are cued by the Moderator. Thanks. Rebecca {public
msg} Lisa's Bio if anyone wants to read up a bit before the chat, Click
here Lisa Haberman {public msg} Hi Lisa Haberman {public msg} Sibling
issues are a fairly new area in the field and there's not a lot of
research Lisa Haberman {public msg} I'm going to share some information based
on my experiences growing up with an autistic brother Lisa Haberman {public
msg} Feel free to ask questions any time Lisa Haberman {public msg} Parents
don't always realize the effect the autistic sibling has on the other
children Lisa Haberman {public msg} Parents need to give guidance to all the
children in the home Lisa Haberman {public msg} You need to try to keep all
the children involved as much as possible in what's taking place Rebecca
{public msg} ? Mommyo {public msg} ? Lisa Haberman {public msg} The
Conflicts are resolved when parents are aware of the impact of the autistic
children on the rest of the family. Growing up, my parents always kept me
involved as much as possible with my brother. There were times, looking back I
now realize I was jealous and didn't speak up when I should of. My parents
relied on me often to help out with him. Lisa Haberman {public msg} It's
important that parents try to spend quality time with all the children on an
individual basis Lisa Haberman {public msg} Sometimes, parents become
overprotective
Moderator {public msg} Rebecca has a question, go ahead
Rebecca Rebecca {public msg} Were you the older, or younger sibling and did
it affect your school years growing up? How did your parents initially get you
involved and keep you interested as far as level of compassion and
understanding. Rebecca {public msg} Sorry, couple questions there... Lisa
Haberman {public msg} I'm the older, it's just the 2 of us Mommyo {public
msg} How old is your brother now? What would you say is the best thing
about having an autistic brother for you? Lisa Haberman {public msg} Growing
up was difficult, Lisa Haberman {public msg} He's 36 Lisa Haberman {public
msg} My parents didn't get me involved, I did on my own by trying to always
interact with him Rebecca {public msg} Was it hard to learn compassion and
understanding? Rebecca {public msg} Hard to word that question Lisa
Haberman {public msg} I guess what I've learned is to have a lot of
understanding and patience Lisa Haberman {public msg} It was hard sometimes,
my parents explained things on a level I could understand Rebecca {public
msg} So, sort of like a parent? basically? Lisa Haberman {public msg} This
was increased as I got older and asked the questions Rebecca {public msg}
ahhhhhh ok Lisa Haberman {public msg} School was a challenge, I was careful
about friends I brought home Rebecca {action} Thinks jealousy in and sibling
household is typical, under any circumstance. Lisa Haberman {public msg}
Yes, Lisa Haberman {public msg} Jealousy happens I think in any home Lisa
Haberman {public msg} You also deal with resentment, embarrassment, being upset
etc.. Rebecca {public msg} Ok, can I ask , how your parents got past the
jealousy part? I mean easing your understanding by educating you? Rebecca
{public msg} Awwwww I bet Lisa Haberman {public msg} These are normal
feelings and parents need to be aware of them Rebecca {public msg} I
see Lisa Haberman {public msg} They need to try to talk to the children and
ask what's happening and try to get a response Rebecca {public msg} Growing
up is hard enough... Lisa Haberman {public msg} If you don't you need to keep
trying. Communication is extremely important. Communication is something I
don't think I had enough of growing up. My parents sometimes assumed things were
ok. Onegary {public msg} ? Lisa Haberman {public msg} I didn't always
speak up when I should have Lesliear {public msg} ? Rebecca {public msg}
and they didn't ask I imagine. Lisa Haberman {public msg} I was resentful,
embarrassed, etc.. At times but never said anything. My parents didn't ask since
they didn't see an issue.
Moderator {public msg} Onegary has the next
question, go ahead Gary Onegary {public msg} I have three children 8,6,5 the
oldest having autism. They are great kids (all three) but we place a
burden on the two youngest Lisa Haberman {public msg} How Onegary {public
msg} We try to make things special for them but I worry that they will feel this
burden has been pushed on them any advise Lisa Haberman {public msg} I don't
think that will happen as long as you don't keep things from them. Try spending
some separate time with them. Lisa Haberman {public msg} This may
help. Lisa Haberman {public msg} How is it a burden if you keep them informed
and help them understand. Onegary {public msg} I guess it is a sense of guilt
I feel- not be able to take them to parties as Chris freaks out at
parties, some kids parents not wanting to come over because they don't
understand Chris Lisa Haberman {public msg} Try to communicate and ask them
how they feel Mommyo {public msg} I see my children feeling that Robby is a
burden when it stops our family of doing things that is fun Lisa Haberman
{public msg} That's understandable Lisa Haberman {public msg} I know how
difficult. it is to spend quality time on a individual basis Mommyo {public
msg} ? Lisa Haberman {public msg} But you may want to and try talking to them
about their feelings Lisa Haberman {public msg} I didn't bring friends home
from school at times because I was afraid of their reactions to my
brother. Lesliear {public msg} Did you ever retaliate against your brother,
for feeling he got more attention? Lisa Haberman {public msg} Not really, I
kept a lot to myself Lisa Haberman {public msg} I retaliated sometimes by
keeping to myself Rebecca {public msg} ? Lisa Haberman {public msg} I was
never abusive towards him except to yell sometimes Lesliear {public msg} My
daughters once told me, they wished they where him, and I replied, you want to
live like he does? they never asked again Lisa Haberman {public msg}
Usually in frustration. Lisa Haberman {public msg} That's not an unusual
feeling. Onegary {public msg} ? Lisa Haberman {public msg} Sometimes I
wonder what it's like for my brother. Lisa Haberman {public msg} I wonder how
he sees things different then us.
Moderator {public msg} Mommyo has the
next question, go ahead mommy. Lisa Haberman {public msg} He has a difficult.
time explaining, saying things. Mommyo {public msg} I feel the same guilt as
Onegary, and it really doesn't seem fair to our typical children. My kids
have cried and complained that it is not fair that Robby ruins everything for
them. I don't know how to make the situation better for them. Lisa
Haberman {public msg} That's hard. Lisa Haberman {public msg} All you can try
to do is spend time with them maybe without Robby as hard as that is. Mommyo
{public msg} I also wonder what Robby is feeling. It breaks my heart that
I don't understand him. Lesliear {public msg} ? Lisa Haberman {public msg}
It gets very aggravating when your plans get stopped beyond your
control. Mommyo {public msg} I wish I new how he felt. Lisa Haberman
{public msg} I wish I knew how my brother felt. Mommyo {public msg} I
agree. Lisa Haberman {public msg} I think growing up, we didn't do much
because my parents were afraid my brother might make things difficult. Mommyo
{public msg} I usually tell my other kids that I am sorry, but I can't help
it. That sometimes life isn't fair. Lisa Haberman {public msg} That's
true. Mommyo {public msg} I hate that answer for them. Lisa Haberman
{public msg} I felt that growing up many times. Mommyo {public msg} I wish it
was easier for all of us. Mommyo {public msg} Thanks. Lisa Haberman
{public msg} It's normal that siblings want their own life and their feelings
need to come out which is the hard part. Rebecca {action} . o O ( keep the
lines of communication open. ) Lisa Haberman {public msg} I always helped out
without question or giving my parents a hard time. Lisa Haberman {public msg}
My teen years were very hard.
Moderator {public msg} Onegary had the next
question, go ahead Gary. Lisa Haberman {public msg} Sometimes it's also
normal for parents to be resentful. Onegary {public msg} as my two 'typical"
kids bring friend's over- what is the best way to discuss their brother's
disability with them- talk to their parents first? Don't say
anything? Chris makes allot of people very nervous if they are not use to
a child with Autism. Lisa Haberman {public msg} That's hard. Onegary
{public msg} What would you suggest. Lisa Haberman {public msg} First talk to
your other kids and it's a good idea sometimes to talk to the parents. Every
case is different. Try to use simple terms talking to the other children. you
need to speak to them at a level they can understand. Try to maybe prepare them
for what they might see/happen. Depending on the age of the other
children. Lisa Haberman {public msg} You may want to say little and see what
happens or give them some guidance while interacting. Onegary {public msg}
Its funny my kids tend to do that them selves at super market when cashier talks
to Chris, my baby daughter says he has Autism, so he may not want to talk to
you- his brain works different from most people. Onegary {public msg}
Thanks- she's a cutie. Lisa Haberman {public msg} Kids have a way of
understanding/seeing things before or difficult. then adults do. Lisa
Haberman {public msg} I always tried to include my brother in everything since
he didn't have many friends. Lisa Haberman {public msg} He didn't go to the
local schools. Lisa Haberman {public msg} The area kids knew he was
different. Mommyo {public msg} I like to tell my younger daughters friends
that Robby has autism, he can't talk, and he likes to run around, buy he really
likes that you have come over even if he doesn't show it. Lisa Haberman
{public msg} That's great. Mommyo {public msg} They usually stare at him at
first, but then they get use to him.
Moderator {public msg} Lesliear has
the next question, go ahead les. Mommyo {public msg} Some of them have even
taken a real liking to him now. Lesliear {public msg} Have you ever thought
of a safe room for the child? It allows the others to have their time and
yet the child is safe and content where he is. (sorry more of an idea then a
question) Lisa Haberman {public msg} Parent's aren't uncaring, but sometimes
unconsciously neglect the other children. Lisa Haberman {public msg} Good
idea. Mommyo {public msg} What is a safe room? Lesliear {public msg} We
took the dining room, put a half wall between the dining room and living room,
and a half door between the dining room and the kitchen. It was his area
no one else allowed in there. Lisa Haberman {public msg} Sometimes parents
feel overburdened and give responsibilities of the autistic child to the
others. Lisa Haberman {public msg} This is a role reversal, not unusual and
usually done on an unconscious basis. Onegary {public msg} ? Mommyo
{public msg} I know I have done this with my kids, it is unintended like you
said but it happens. Lisa Haberman {public msg} Siblings always go through
periods of resentment, jealousy etc.. but don't always say it. Lisa Haberman
{public msg} Your aware of it which is the important thing. Mommyo {public
msg} How can I get my kids to express more of their true feelings. Lisa
Haberman {public msg} Things become more of an issue as sib. get older. Lisa
Haberman {public msg} Just keep trying to talk to them and acknowledge what they
do tell you. Rebecca {action} . o O ( private talks, bedtime tuck in works
best here. ) Lisa Haberman {public msg} Try to spend some time separately
with them and talk.
Moderator {public msg} Onegary has the next question,
go ahead Onegary. Onegary {public msg} how important is it for the sibs to
have their own stuff that is only their own. Mommyo {public msg} Good
question. Lisa Haberman {public msg} Very important. Lisa Haberman {public
msg} They need to have things of their own that help them feel separate but also
part of the family. Lisa Haberman {public msg} I had my own interests
separate growing up. Lisa Haberman {public msg} My brother also had his own
things he liked. Lisa Haberman {public msg} My parents always felt we should
have/do our own things. Onegary {public msg} do you have friends that also
had a sib with a disability. Moderator {public msg} all children should have
their own things. Rebecca {action} agrees whole-heartedly. Lisa
Haberman {public msg} I had one, their sib. had CP. Lisa Haberman {public
msg} Actually another friend had epilepsy. Lisa Haberman {public msg} My
brother always lived home. Lisa Haberman {public msg} I guess, growing up I
didn't share with my parents since I felt they had enough to deal with my
brothers needs. Rebecca {public msg} Thank you all for coming and Thanks Lisa
for your time and helpful insight.
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